I have always had a pretty unhealthy relationship with candy.
In fifth grade, I got put on probation from my school production of “Suessical the Musical” because I missed rehearsal twice to walk a mile down to the grocery story to buy candy with my best friend Ilana.
A couple years prior to this probation, I was convicted of being the family “Candy Thief” because for a solid month or so I pillaged my siblings’ Halloween candy stashes.
Nutritionists and neuroscientists alike will tell you that sugar is addictive. The progression of my school photos backs that up—I was pretty pudgy there for a while.
We’ve somehow reached the end October, meaning that a candy-lover’s favorite holiday is only a couple days away. I may be terrible at coming up with costume ideas, but wow am I good at consuming candy.
While it’s no longer socially acceptable for me to go trick-or-treating, I have the distinct privilege of being able to drive a car to the grocery story to buy my own candy because I’m an adult.
I love candy, so I don’t have the heart to rank it. Instead I’ll give you an orderless list of my candy opinions:
Reeses: Always a solid option. If you don’t like them, there’s a good chance I don’t like you.
Starburst: Unfortunately on Halloween, these come in two packs. I would take the time to calculate the probability of getting one or two yellows in a pack, but I swore off math a while ago. I think we can all just agree that yellow is the stupidest color of Starburst. Pink is best. Orange is second best. Red is third best. Yellow is gross. No discussion.
Lemonheads: This is straight up the only lemon candy that is worth a crap.
Skittles: Try eating a bag of these without hating yourself. Also, try opening a bag and willing yourself not to eat the whole thing. Godspeed.
Hershey’s: I’m a bit of a chocolate snob. I like mine dark and over 70 percent cocoa. If I could change one thing about this world it would be that this crap is called chocolate: After living in Belgium, where chocolate is religion, I can confirm that Hershey’s is hardly chocolate. But yeah okay fine I eat it anyway.
Tootsie rolls: Kind of gross but you know you eat them anyway. Back around my candy thief days when I was a budding young chef, I would cut them into little pieces and call them “Tootsie Bites.” I sent a letting about this idea to the manufacturer but never heard back.
Candy Corn: For some reason there’s a weird pop culture debate about these things right now. I call it weird because generally we don’t quarrel over things that are so cut and dry. Candy corn is disgusting and everyone should know that. Frankly I’m upset that they stole delicious corn’s name. One time I won a whole jar of it in one of those “Guess how many?” competitions. Every single one of those nasty nugs went in the trash. Speaking of nugs…
Milk Duds: What a disgusting name for a candy. While they don’t necessarily deserve the yucky name, they’re just not worth the effect on your waistline.
Snickers: Brilliant marketing campaign, “meh” product.
These are just the candies that came to my mind first, but I know I’ve left out dozens. Got any particularly strong feelings about candy? Sound off in my ever-neglected comment section.